Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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