Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
