I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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