So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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