pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
