I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I just want to make out with him forever
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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