go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
