I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
