I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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