News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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