she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
