I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
They have beer where we have blood.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
