Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
