so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
The struggles of a small town man whore
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
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