Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
