Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
