I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
