just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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