I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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