do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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