there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
