I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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