When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
