I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
