im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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