I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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