i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
