Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
