If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
