i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
