Who did Billy Mays play for?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
