Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
