I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
this just has baby written all over it
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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