She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
