Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
