did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
