it's too hot outside to masturbate.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
