i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
