I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
