Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Randomize
