a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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