On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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