My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
