I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Randomize
