I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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