I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
