I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
