took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
