please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I wish there were birth control emojis
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
