Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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