TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
