my mouth tastes like poor choices
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
